Just A Mom
“You’ve got your hands full.” If you have more than one kid you've heard it. It's that well-meaning stranger attempting to sympathize with how hard motherhood is. They see our kids and just can't fathom how we're standing upright, sober and in our right minds. Either that or the thought of having more than one freaks them out.
For some reason I have always disliked being told I have my hands full. Why does this comment feel so awkward? I think it comes down to three things: easy offense, pride, and a victim-mentality.
My Sinful Reaction
I like feeling capable. When strangers say this I internalize that they think I'm not capable of doing more, of being more than “just a mom.” I’m the one diminishing motherhood in that moment, not them. It’s as if, when my hands are full, I'm helpless to reach out and love someone else. But that’s not true and I’ve made so many assumptions in this way. What a waste of energy to be offended by this comment, but I have really felt annoyed and angry in the past.
Their comment said to my heart, “You’re barely hanging on! I can tell your life is crazy.” I want to alleviate any concerns and stand up for the fact that children are an inheritance (Psalm 127:3-4) but I have probably read way too much into their comment. In reality, I was desiring recognition from strangers that I was this amazingly capable woman. Their comment made me want to prove myself. I wanted them to know that my life wasn’t too much for me. I wanted them to affirm me, not doubt my sanity. Welcome to my prideful heart!
Going Deeper
The hard truth was, I felt insecure as a mom. My identity was wrapped up in being "just a mom." And this innocent comment...well it rubbed me the wrong way because if I can't do that well, what else am I good for?
My craving to do more and be more weighed on my mind. Did people see me as "just a mom?" Did they believe I was capable of serving others or do they naturally assume I'm giving all I can and it'd be a mistake to include me. Do they assume I'm too busy or that I pull my hair out every night after bedtimes? Weakness...I was afraid of appearing weak.
Changing my mind
Recently, I have changed my mind about that phrase. Now I am thankful for that truth that I am not "just a mom." But more than that, I know the value of being a mom. And while being a mom is how I spend most of my time, it doesn't completely define who I am.
God has given me truths to rest in, words of identity that do not directly relate to motherhood.
It's true; we all have different capacities. What feels natural for some feels overwhelming for others, but as life changes, God stretches and changes our thresholds. We become stronger through Him. He loves that by the way. Taking someone who isn't afraid of admit their weak and pouring strength into them.
That's what He's doing in all mothers. As life hits us with the next crisis or difficulty, we are molded and shaped into the next version of ourselves. It's actually a beautiful metamorphosis. So I'm not defined by being a mom, but it's a crucial component which transforms my life.
How I Respond Now
Now, instead of being offended when some well-meaning stranger says, "You've got your hands full," I feel the shift happening. I smile and say yes. I try not to assume or guess their motive. Usually it’s as simple as that. Other times I’ll tell how thankful I am or relieve the potential tension by affirming them, “I sure do!” But smile! I always smile.
Negative to Positive
Isn't it incredible that the same phrase can sound negative or positive depending on our mood? When I heard the “you’ve got your hands full,” I was certain the motivation was condescending. But what if I was wrong? What if I was believing lies and I’m the one with the problem?
I honestly have no way of knowing how they really felt, but I can only control my own thoughts and actions. I can respond instead of react.
And it’s true, I do have my hands full. Each diaper, each kiss, each band-aid, each "yes" to adventure - it all takes a great mental and physical effort to be a mom. Motherhood shapes us and we learn how to be firm but flexible. God gifts us with children who ultimately offer daily/hourly opportunities to grow closer to Christ. We are shaped over time by our kids in ways that we could not fabricate on our own. And that's what makes motherhood so fantastic.
It's funny looking back. I think about how I felt attacked by lies and made up scenarios when I was told I had my hands full, like they were accusing me of being "just a mom." But now I am starting to see it as a wonderful compliment.
So the next time I'm told I have my hands full I think I'll smile, hug my kids and tell the stranger how right they are. In my heart I'll know they are right because having my hands full of presents from God is a wonderful situation to be in. Motherhood is a gift. Not every woman has been given children and I am learning how precious it is to be gifted these little souls to take care of, nurture and train in the Lord. If you don’t feel like your children are a blessing (because mothering is HARD!) or you feel lost on how to train them, please reach out. I’d love to chat with you.
More of a private girl? Check out my book, Knee-Jerk Mom, and discover the freedom that comes with letting go of your old self and stepping into who God created you to be as a mom.
